All will be well!

Dating is hard! That shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. But why is it so hard? It's hard because you have to totally give of yourself emotionally and always be at risk to have it not work out. You are at your most vulnerable point when you're dating. You risk everything. Or at least you should be willing to risk everything. You have in your grasp the opportunity to gain the world, a loving relationship. Yet you are always one conversation away from losing all of that. More often than not, you end up not gaining the world. You break up.

I have heard that breakups can be emotionally as difficult as a death in one's family. For when a family member, or even a spouse, dies you still have the promise that you will be with that person again. You can still have the same relationship with them in the next life. With a breakup you have NO promise of having the same relationship with that person ever again, assuming it's a permanent break up. That relationship is lost to you forever. All the goodness and love is...gone. What consolation do you have? That the experience served to make you a better person? That you can maybe find another relationship with someone else somewhere down the road? That isn't super comforting in the immediate wake of the loss. It's hard to accept that you will find someone else mainly because you don't want to find someone else. You still want the relationship you just had.

So you move on. Or at least you try. But you still don't know how to fill that void in your life. Where there was love, service, and purpose you now have emptiness. The pain of that seemingly bottomless void hurts so bad. What is worse yet is that you still don't want to fill it. Somehow you feel that by filling the void you have truly ended the relationship. Your life was about someone else and now it is about about you again, which is far less satisfying. Single life is inherently not as fulfilling as a life devoted to someone else's happiness. Sure being single can be fun and adventurous and one can find happiness there but...it just feels lacking.

How do you go back to your old single life? How do you go back to first dates and nights watching netflix alone? What do you do with your time that used be spent serving another? Where do you redirect your thoughts, your energy, and love? How do you go on? I don't know. I wish there was an easy answer. It's hard to go on when deep down you still don't want to accept that you must go on. You vainly hold on emotionally to that relationship. You simply don't know what else to hold on to.

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on... when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? -Frodo Baggins

Is Frodo right? Is there is no going back? No! You can't. You are forever changed by that relationship. You are never the same. For better or for worse you have been changed. You can't go back to who you were.

Hopefully you have been changed for good. Hopefully the relationship taught how to give of yourself and how to love another person. Hopefully you experienced joy, honesty, kindness, and mutual respect. Hopefully you learned how to practice patience and faith. Hopefully you were able to live beyond yourself.

Even if the relationship was good and the break up was right, the first few days, weeks, months, and sometimes even years are not easy. There is still pain. The pain of the loss is palpable. Sometimes it seems too much to carry at times. It sucks! Plain and simple.

"How can we love days that are filled with sorrow? We can’t—at least not in the moment. I don’t think my mother was suggesting that we suppress discouragement or deny the reality of pain. I don’t think she was suggesting that we smother unpleasant truths beneath a cloak of pretended happiness. But I do believe that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life. If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness." - Joseph B Wirthlin

In the time of deepest pain, sorrow, and loneliness, you have the opportunity for the greatest growth. How you react is so important. Will you remember the phrase, "Come what may, and love it!"? Will you take comfort in the Lord's promise that all will be well. I promise you that all will be well!

Why will all be well? How could it ever all be well when all seems broken and lost? Because you will CHOOSE to make it well. You will choose to love yourself and sometimes even more importantly, you will continue to love the one who broke your heart. You will choose to be kind, positive, hopeful, and supportive. You will choose to go to the Lord and seek his guidance and you will recognize the hand of the Lord guiding, supporting, and comforting you. He will give you peace and comfort. You will choose to be grateful that you have experienced such a wonderful relationship. You will choose to proactively find new and uplifting ways to use your new found time and energy. You will choose to see the small glimmers of light protruding through the dark tearful clouds of your soul. You will choose to see that this experience will serve to make you better. You will choose to remember Christ's love for you and his immense capacity to comfort and forgive you. God will always love you. Even if someone else no longer does, God still loves you. It's your choice to recognize that love and accept it. It's your choice to make the best of so much pain. It's your choice to be well. That is why all will be well. Because you will choose to be well.

"Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come." - Joseph B. Wirthlin

Yes Sunday will come. Maybe not as soon as you would like but it will come. All will be well!

Lead thou me on!

My last published blog post was very hard to write for me. In it I delved into some of the questions I have feared asking. My friend pointed out that I made it seem like I was convinced I didn't need Christ or that I could simply do things by myself. He had a point. While I still believe that we are more capable than we often give ourselves credit for, I no longer believe nor would I want to overcome life's challenges by myself.

Christ, our ultimate example, when going through his darkest hours in the garden of Gethsamane and on the cross didn't go through those experiences alone. Even He, the son of God, requested and needed help. So why would I want to do it alone? Recently I have been reminded how hard and difficult life can be. There are many things in life that cut us deep. Experiences that go to our core. They leave us wondering how much pain can be suffered. As the Princess Bride wonderfully said, "Life is pain". I am so grateful that even though at times my pain seems too much to bear, I have people around me to be there with me through the pain. I would not want to go through the pains of life without them. It's reassuring to talk with someone who understands my pain. It doesn't take away the pain but it does make it more bearable. Having someone you can talk to, who will listen to you, and who can comfort you is a reassuring idea. I would never want to go through life with out that. As much as I want to be independent, I don't want to go through life's experiences alone. Which is why the doctrine of the atonement of Christ is so reassuring. Having someone who will always be there for you in your times of sorrow is a comforting doctrine. Man was not meant to pass through the sorrows of this world alone.

In my time of pain, I have found comfort in friends and family but I have also found comfort in God. It was He who I first went to for peace and solace. Peace and solace was given but it didn't last, nor do I think it was meant to. God gave me what I needed in the time I needed it. Certain thoughts, feelings, and words were needed in my life at certain times. Those were given to me recently. They gave me enough strength and courage to go past the crest of the next hill. Nevertheless, I still had to walk up that hill. This experience has humbled me to realize just how much I need God and others. While I am still sure I could have gone through this experience alone, I would never ever want to. I don't know if I would come out whole on the other side. With God and other support, we can cope and learn. We can be reassured and be given some brief solace. We can not only come out whole on the other side but can come out better for it.

So when it comes to the question of my last blog post: Lead thou me on? Please do! I don't want to wander through the desert of life anymore without you. Forgive me for the times when I was cocky and thought I no longer needed you. As I go through some of the agonies of life, it gives me more respect and awe for the sacrifice you willingly did for all of us. I may not understand it, I may not have the greatest testimony of it, but I do recognize now that is is foolish for me to not want thy support.

Lead thou me on?

This past Christmas season the LDS church had a big campaign about how Christ is the gift of Christmas. He is God's gift to mankind. But lately I have been questioning if I want that gift. What would I do with it? A strange question considering I taught about Christ for two years. I know who He is on a fundamental level. I could tell you all sorts of facts about Him, what He did, and "why" He is needed. But yet I still wonder why there is all this hubbub about him. I have always known Christ is important but I don't know if I have ever quite felt it.

The doctrine is that it is only through Christ that we can return to live with God. Well why? That kind of seems like a dumb plan if you ask me. Why do I have to go through some arbitrary process to live with God again? Why does He make me completely dependent upon His only begotten son? Why can't I be dependent upon His son Jacob Allred? I know I am not perfect but should that matter? Haven't I been taught that I am powerful beyond all measure? Doesn't the power to change ultimately reside in me? So why do I need a third party involved? It is said that no unclean thing can enter into heaven. Okay well let me go clean myself! I can change! I have soap and water. So why do I need a special brand of soap? Is my soap not good enough? Does it not work or something?

So maybe the question really is why do I need Christ? Or better yet, why does God require me to need Christ? Why can't I be powerful enough to change myself? I often hear people finding power in the atonement. This has always baffled me. Is the atonement giving them an extra boost of willpower to do their home-teaching or to refrain from getting into a fight? You know that you can become a better person without Christ. Many people quit smoking, support the homeless, and forgive their neighbors all without needing this extra support. They just do it on their own sheer willpower and desire. They do it without help. That sounds a little more impressive than those who call for help at the first sign of struggle.

The last few years I have become more and more independent. Not only have I become independent financially but in many ways spiritually. I have learned the resiliency of the human body and mind. I ran a marathon, an idea two years ago I would have thought impossible. I have proved to myself that I can do incredible things without asking for God's intervention. I'm amazed at what the body and mind can do. I want to keep challenging myself to see what I can do. I want to be the master of my ship. I want to control my destiny.

During a time in which my very belief in God has been in question and my own independence has increased, I guess it's no surprise that I ask these questions. I question how much I need or don't need God and His son Jesus Christ.

I don't know why God requires me to need Christ for my salvation. Maybe it's to teach me humility and not let pride rule my will. Maybe humbling myself to a subsidiary role is a requisite process to eventually becoming like God. As Christ says in Ether 12:27 "...my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me" Maybe it's all about humility. Maybe...

I was not ever thus, nor prayed that thou shouldst lead me on.
I loved to choose and see my path...

Will my life finish the verse?

...but now, Lead thou me on!

Passion

What are you passionate about? What do you most want to do for a living?

...

I don't know

...

That is the truth of it. I don't know. It feels so empty and hollow when I put it that way. Do you feel the same way too? I know there must be others out there. Especially recent graduates in their 20's like me.

"My entire life I have done what everyone has told me I should do. From kindergarten to my senior year of college I had a high GPA, I volunteered, I played sports, I was in groups, extracurricular activities, student council. I did all that stuff. I was checking off the boxes in order to become a successful American." - Charlie Hoehn on the NPR Ted Radio Hour

"Being in your 20's can kind of suck because up to that point your whole life has been mapped out. High school then maybe college and then you're 22 or 23 and you're out. The safety net is gone. And the world is like, 'Go figure it out'"- Guy Raz on the NPR TED Radio Hour
 
Do these quotes sound familiar to the situation that you're in? They do to me. I am a college graduate and I have my first full-time job. I am fortunate. I have now accomplished all that I was supposed to do. I checked those boxes. Now what?

My job is good but it's not something I want to be doing for the rest of my life. But when I think about what I want to be doing for the rest of my life, at least in terms of a profession, I am at a loss. I have no idea what I want to do and that fact is really starting to bother me. I feel directionless. Well not completely directionless. There are many opportunities and different interests for me and I could have a good career in many fields. But am I not supposed to only pursue the one I am passionate about? At least that is what all the videos and articles tell me to do. Right?

Recently I was talking with a girl who had passion and direction. It radiated from her as she spoke of it. It was beautiful. I was captivated and jealous. Eventually she asked me what I was passionate about and I had no response. Instantly I felt inferior as if something was wrong with me. I wanted to be like her but deep down I knew I wasn't, which is why the following quote really resonates with me.

"We keep telling people to follow their passion and I feel like that can be an intimidating and almost cruel thing to say to people at times because first of all if somebody has one central powerful burning passion, they're probably already following it because that is sort of the definition of passion is that you don't have a choice. If you don't, which is a lot of people, have one central burning passion and somebody tells you to follow your passion, I think you have the right to give them the finger. Because it just makes you feel worse. And so I always say to people if you don't have an obvious passion to forget about it. Follow your curiosity because passion is sort of a tower flame that is not always accessible and curiosity is something that anybody can access any day. Your curiosity may lead  you to your passion or it may not. It may have been for 'nothing', in which case all you have done your entire life is spend your existence in pursuit of the things that made you feel curious and inspired and that should be good enough. If you get to do that, that is a wonderful way to have spent your time here." -Elizabeth Gilbert on the NPR TED Radio Hour

So why should I worry about what my passion is? Not knowing my passion shouldn't be a tragedy. Maybe some people are born with the gift of passion and others are born with the gift of...something else. I choose to be fine with that something else...whatever it is. I know I am not the only one with the same predicament. I know there are other dispassionate people out there. Maybe I could have stated that last sentence to sound more inspiring.

But like Elizabeth Gilbert said, "follow your curiosities." Don't be afraid to learn about new things or simply try out something new. Don't let your fear of the unknown or the fear of not having a passion make you be idle. Don't wait until your passion suddenly just slaps you across the face. It won't. It doesn't come to us like the ring came to Sméagol instantly consuming his life. "It came to me, my own, my love, my precious." The longer you sit there watching Netflix naively hoping passion will come, the more likely you will never find it. So at the very least go out there and do something, even if it's only pursuing a passing interest. Maybe in the pursuit of those mere curiosities you find something that truly inspires you and gives you passion.

Faith and Doubt

"Remember that faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time. Cast out doubt. Cultivate Faith." - President Monson Oct 2000

"Doubt not" - D&C 6:6

"Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith" - President Uchtdorf Oct 2013

I have heard similar sayings all my life. Once embroidered hanging on the wall at a friends house, now they appear against beautiful backdrops on my friends Facebook wall. Isn't it great? Actually it's not great. I can't stand these quotes. I get so annoyed whenever I see or hear them. But I can't outwardly express the anger I feel because I shouldn't be bothered by quotes from scripture and the prophets. Why don't I like these quotes about doubt and why do they bother me so much? As I have thought about why this bothers me I have found two main reasons.


         1. They don't agree with my personal understanding of the relationship between doubt and faith
         2. I identify myself as a doubter


In my first year of Seminary at Bennion Jr. High we had a class about faith. This class was memorable because we got to watch part of a movie and not just one of those cheesy church movies. We got to watch Indiana Jones. It was awesome. We watched a scene from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. In this scene Indiana is forced to go through a series of tests/traps to get to the Holy Grail, which has the power to save his recently shot father. In cinematic fashion he gets past the first two tests narrowly escaping with his life each time. He now reaches a chasm that he must cross but there is no bridge. The only instruction that he has is that he must take a leap of faith. With nothing but an endless fall in front of him, he puts his foot out and takes a leap of faith into what is most certainly his death. To Indiana's great relief he finds his foot lands on solid ground on a bridge that was invisible from the perspective of where he previously stood.


In the moment of decision, Indiana was visibly terrified. He had his reasons to doubt and be afraid. It was an endless pit he was stepping into for heaven's sake. And not the cool pits where you can fight a Balrog on the way down. He had good reason to believe he would fall to his death and he took that step anyway. That's gutsy. It was in the face of that doubt that he truly exercised faith. If the bridge was obvious, it wouldn't have been a leap of faith, right? In other words, it's because of doubt and uncertainty, that faith can exist. That is how I've understood the relationship between doubt and faith since that lesson when I was 14 and the quotes I shared earlier just didn't seem to mesh with that understanding. It seemed as if doubt was the bad guy and that those who doubted were somehow less faithful and righteous.


Which brings me to my second point. I am a doubter. Over the past few years I have faced some experiences that have made me question the core foundations of my testimony, I have witnessed some of my best friends leave the church, and I have come to realize that I simply don't know. I don't know if God exists but I hope He does and if so, I believe He loves me and you. I don't know if this is God's true church but I have found that following its core principles has helped lead me to higher forms of happiness. I don't know a good deal of many things... but that is fine. I don't need to know everything. These very statements and ideas have taken me years to personally accept and feel comfortable stating. During this time I have felt as if I was less worthy or that I was somehow different. I have feared that my testimony or lack thereof would negatively affect my relationship with my family, friends, and future love interests. It was because of the perceived negative rapport about doubt that made this faith transition harder. That is why I haven't liked these quotes. It made me feel ostracized. Well the truth is, there are more people like me than I may realized.

So is doubt a bad thing? Yes and no. What doubt does for us is it challenges us, makes us ask questions, and enables us to trust and have faith. These challenges force us to grow and the questions can direct us to truth. Doubt made Indiana realize he loved and trusted his father more than what his senses told him. After all, his father had been right up to that point. Doubt made Indiana put faith in his father.

However, doubt can do exactly the opposite. It can pose challenges and questions so daunting that we simply give up. Doubt causes us to not trust and not have faith. Indiana could have turned around. He could have not taken that step and he would have never found the holy grail and saved his father. He would have missed so much. The same goes for us. When we doubt we don't apply for that job, ask that person on a date, or we don't run that race. Doubt hinders our progression. Doubt is paralyzing. Doubt is only bad when it overcomes faith. That is why we must rely on faith. At some point we must take that step into the abyss. Of course if you doubt your parachute is not properly packed, taking that step might not be a good idea.

Doubt is a wonderful thing. I love it. It's brought me to many truths. However, I can't let doubt paralyze me. At some point I have to exercise faith in the face of doubt. I must progress. I must move past my fears and doubts and learn to trust in myself and in God so that when the grey rain curtain of this world rolls back I will see white shores, and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise.

"I have sympathy for the man or woman when honest doubts enter their minds and they engage in the great conflict of resolving doubts. These doubts can be resolved, if they have an honest desire to know the truth, by exercising moral, spiritual, and mental effort. They will emerge from the conflict into a firmer, stronger, larger faith because of the struggle. They have gone from a simple trusting faith, through doubt and conflict, into a solid substantial faith which ripens into testimony." Howard W Hunter Oct 1960

Jekyll and Hyde

Growing up my knowledge of the story of Jekyll and Hyde was very limited. I was familiar with the book on the most basic concept. I knew a person changed from being normal to being a monster. That was it. I thought Jekyll was the monster because the name Jekyll sounded more menacing than the name Hyde(which is wrong by the way). My main source of knowledge came from the PBS TV show Arthur. I strongly urge you to watch the clip because it is one of the best few minutes of television.

 I was grossly unaware of the whole story. For a summary please read the plot overview. I tried making my own synopsis...but spark notes already did it for me. If you're not familiar with the book take 10 min to read the summary. Spoiler alert. Jekyll turns into Hyde.

Personally I am fascinated with people's motives, their stories, and their rationales behind their actions. So hearing from Dr. Jekyll the story of how he came to die and be overpowered by Mr. Hyde is very intriguing. To me, it offers a glimpse into aspects of life that I think many of struggle with. I see a relationship in this story to my own life and to some extent, I think this story sheds light on universal truth about human nature. 

Most of us have desires to do things we know that we shouldn't do or at least we would be ashamed to do publicly. I think we all want to be good people but there are those times when we want the opposite. We want to have some fun, give in to our passions and lusts, and take advantage of others. 

Sometimes we give into these desires and give life to our alter egos. If we give in enough to these desires, eventually they will become stronger and overtake us like Mr. Hyde overtook Dr. Jekyll. 

One great enabler behind Dr Jekyll turning into Mr. Hyde was that he was able to dissociate the actions of Mr. Hyde from the publicly virtuous life of Dr. Jekyll. He thought by physically separating the two he would make the actions of one have no effect on the other. He was wrong. Dr Jekyll became utterly miserable and didn't find that happiness he thought he would have. So with us, we may try to dissociate our impure desires and actions with our more pure side. We do this in many ways. We may think that what we do behind closed doors alone doesn't affect who we are outside those doors. Or we might think that overcompensating and publicly espousing our Dr. Jekyll will somehow redeem the actions of our Mr. Hyde. However, we cannot hide our Hyde completely. 

The more time we give for our lusts, urges, whims, passions, jealousies, and anger the more power those aspects gain. Eventually they will win. We may think we can live the best of both worlds and that will make us happy. Dr Jekyll thought it would make him happy but in the end he described his life as the bitterness of hell. I don't think it would be any different for you or me.

Can we live two lives? Can we cheat on our spouses in the dark and not be affected? Can we sneak down hidden alleys for a quick high or buzz and not have consequences? Can we watch pornography and not have it effect our relationships? Can we say we are going for a run but secretly just stroll over to Mcdonalds without it affecting our health? No we can't.

Dr. Jekyll was able to physically separate his good and bad actions and he couldn't escape from the consequences. All of our thoughts and actions have some form of effect on us whether they are disguised or not. The more we give into our darker sides, the more power we give to our darker side to become the prevailing force in our life. So don't give into your Hyde and please don't ever join the dark side like Anakin Skywalker. It will only lead to suffering. 

Testimony

At this time I would wish to express an aspect of my life that I have long feared would lose the respect of my parents, family, and many of my friends. This is something I have wrestled with and have slowly come to grips with over the last several years. I will keep this brief so let's get to it.

I do not know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the one and only true church on the earth that enables mankind to return to God. I do not know that Jesus Christ is my Savior and Redeemer.

There. I said it.

I could list many more details about specific areas of my testimony or lack thereof, but it is easier to just say that I do not know many things. However, just because I do not know these things doesn't mean I know the opposite of them to be true.

So what do I know or believe?

I do believe and hope in a God that knows me and loves me. I believe that God wants above all things for me and for everyone else to be happy. If that is God's will for me, then my will is aligned with His. Like all other human beings, I struggle and fall short in this pursuit of happiness.

I believe happiness depends upon me to first discover what truly makes me happy and then following that path. Like the LDS church, I have found and strongly believe that adhering to the following values will increase my happiness.

• Following the law of chastity, specifically abstaining from sex before a committed marriage and avoiding activities such as masturbation and pornography.
• Abstaining from strong and addictive substances such as alcohol, drugs, and etc.
• Frequently taking time to meditate, reflect, and connect with God.
• Giving selfless service.
• Loving all mankind regardless of opinion, actions, culture, gender, economic status, and etc. (Matthew 22:39)
• Living within my means and staying out of debt.
• Being honest.
• Being actively grateful.
• Delaying gratification.
• Taking care of my body including eating healthy and regularly exercising. 

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has been wonderful in helping me learn about God, living a value driven life, and helping me to become a better person. Because of this, I plan to continue participating in many functions of the church because I know how it can be a force for good in my life.

My testimony has gone through many changes throughout my life and I would be naive to think that it will not go through any more changes as I progress through this life. Even if my testimony is constantly in flux, which I am okay with, I will always try to strive for truth and happiness (hence the name of my blog).