Testimony

At this time I would wish to express an aspect of my life that I have long feared would lose the respect of my parents, family, and many of my friends. This is something I have wrestled with and have slowly come to grips with over the last several years. I will keep this brief so let's get to it.

I do not know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the one and only true church on the earth that enables mankind to return to God. I do not know that Jesus Christ is my Savior and Redeemer.

There. I said it.

I could list many more details about specific areas of my testimony or lack thereof, but it is easier to just say that I do not know many things. However, just because I do not know these things doesn't mean I know the opposite of them to be true.

So what do I know or believe?

I do believe and hope in a God that knows me and loves me. I believe that God wants above all things for me and for everyone else to be happy. If that is God's will for me, then my will is aligned with His. Like all other human beings, I struggle and fall short in this pursuit of happiness.

I believe happiness depends upon me to first discover what truly makes me happy and then following that path. Like the LDS church, I have found and strongly believe that adhering to the following values will increase my happiness.

• Following the law of chastity, specifically abstaining from sex before a committed marriage and avoiding activities such as masturbation and pornography.
• Abstaining from strong and addictive substances such as alcohol, drugs, and etc.
• Frequently taking time to meditate, reflect, and connect with God.
• Giving selfless service.
• Loving all mankind regardless of opinion, actions, culture, gender, economic status, and etc. (Matthew 22:39)
• Living within my means and staying out of debt.
• Being honest.
• Being actively grateful.
• Delaying gratification.
• Taking care of my body including eating healthy and regularly exercising. 

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has been wonderful in helping me learn about God, living a value driven life, and helping me to become a better person. Because of this, I plan to continue participating in many functions of the church because I know how it can be a force for good in my life.

My testimony has gone through many changes throughout my life and I would be naive to think that it will not go through any more changes as I progress through this life. Even if my testimony is constantly in flux, which I am okay with, I will always try to strive for truth and happiness (hence the name of my blog).

Delayed Gratification

Lately one of my most important questions I ask myself is "Will this make me happy or not?"

There is a quote often displayed that says something to the effect of "Don't sacrifice what you want most (mine is happiness) for what you want most in the moment." Recently I have grown to appreciate how true and profound this statement is.

One of the keys to happiness is continual self improvement. Self-improvement requires us to make the choice to self-improve and this choice is one that often derives down to the choice of delaying gratification. Do I want to be entertained now or do I want to be happy later? Those who are able to choose the latter seem to be typically more successful, educated, respected, and have higher self-esteem. More importantly they typically are happier.

What makes self-improvement hard is that it is often not immediately gratifying. Currently I am studying for the GMAT so I can go to grad school. This is one of the ways in which I am trying to self-improve. However, I often find it hard to study because studying isn't all that immediately gratifying. It's not all that fun. What is immediately gratifying is checking Facebook, texting someone, playing a game on my phone, taking a quiz to find out which character from Lord of the Rings I am, watching a funny Youtube video, turning on Sportscenter, taking a nap, and the list goes on. I am sure you could add many other activities of your own to this list. While these activities are fun and are entertaining they don't actually make anyone happy, at least not for sustained periods of time. While these activities are not inherently bad, they can be abused. Some of these activities are even good but that doesn't mean they are the best activities to be doing.

On the extreme end of the spectrum of immediate gratification we have drugs, alcohol, pornography, and giving in to strong negative emotions like greed, lust, envy, anger, wrath, and pride. See the 7 deadly sins. These acts have immediate and strongly powerful gratifying and pleasureable effects but can you think of how any of these activities helped someone grow and progress in the long run? These activities also have an addictive power which makes these activities consuming and can degrade one's life. 

The best activities are often the ones that require work and don't necessarily provide immediate noticeable gratification to ourselves. These activities include but are not limited to exercising, eating healthy, studying, meditating, practicing emotional awareness, giving service, going to work, cleaning, thinking critically, and even for me writing this blogpost.

So what makes these harder and less immediately gratifying activities give greater sustained happiness? To be honest I am not sure but I think there is something to be said about the pride one can derive from self-control, which these harder activities require. I know there are more and better reasons but I will have to flesh those out with time.

I finished this blogpost, which wasn't easy. It feels good.

Emotional Intelligence in Relationships

If you can't be happy with yourself, why do you think you would be happy with someone else?

This is a question/statement I have been mulling over lately. As I have gone through a few relationships I have enjoyed the highs and endured the lows. It's been a volatile emotional roller coaster. How is it that my emotional well being has been so directly correlated and connected with the status of my romantic relationships? Is that even healthy? The lows have have often made me desirous to be married so my relationship status will be cemented in place. Have I been naive to think that being married or in a relationship will therefore make me happy?

I believe that happiness in life is something I decide. Even if I remain single for the rest of my life or get rejected many times, that shouldn't be something that negatively determines my sense of worth and happiness. A relationship with someone else should only serve to enhance my happiness, not make or break it.

Of course our relationships with our families, co-workers, friends, and our significant others are going to affect our moods, dispositions, and our happiness. I don't think there is any escaping that, but it is one thing to be affected by these relationships and another to be dependent on them. A relationship doesn't have to be something that completes you or makes you whole. Why can't you be that by yourself? A relationship adds onto or enhances oneself.

Recently I became informed of a term called emotional intelligence. The general idea behind emotional intelligence is to be cognizant of ones and others emotions and to be able to effectively manage those emotions. This doesn't mean that we block out strong emotion. I think strong emotions are something that need to be embraced and fully experienced. If we don't experience these emotions, especially the negative ones, we will struggle to fully experience the positive ones. However, one needs to be aware of these emotions and how they affect one's life so as to be able to harness them in a positive direction. Emotional intelligence, I believe, will help one as they wade through the emotional struggles often found in romantic relationships.

A girl with whom I recently conversed with spoke of a previous relationship in which the guy was often depressed and unhappy. One day she asked him what made him happy and the only response he could give her was her. If you think her reaction was, "oh that is so sweet that I mean so much to him" you are severely mistaken. Knowing that you are the sole owner of another person's happiness is a lot of pressure, which eventually pushed her away.

So if you're approaching a relationship looking for someone who will make you happy and help take you out of your slump, then maybe you're not ready for a quality relationship. Once you are happy with yourself and would like to add onto the happiness of someone else's life, in turn adding onto your own life, then you're at a better starting place for a quality and happy relationship.

My brother remarked to me that he doesn't need his wife but he chooses to be with her. That may sound a bit harsh or unromantic, but knowing that the person I love has a wonderful and happy life by herself and yet chooses to spend her time, energy, and resources with me because it yields both her and I greater happiness is a wonderful thought.

So I pose the question again, "If you can't be happy with yourself, why do you think you would be happy with someone else?"

Belief vs Knowledge

In a talk recently given by Elder Holland, he talked about the importance of belief.  Thank heavens. The reason why I rejoice is because I personally have a hard time with the phrase "I know." I have my personal doubts and areas where I lack knowledge and experience. Absolutes like "I know" scare and seem too final. Plus if I truly knew, wouldn't I be at risk of the sin against the H.G.?

I have always felt the pressure to "know". It's dogmatic in our culture.  As a missionary, I was taught to say "I know", not "I believe".  To take our testimonies to the maximum seems to be the expected norm. I was curious about this "norm" and decided to take some data on it. During fast and testimony meetings I kept a tally of certain phrases that were used. For example, I monitored how often someone would say "I know Joseph Smith was a prophet" or some similar variation. I kept track of the "I know", "I'm grateful", "I bear testimony", and "I believe". I also kept track of the topics such as Jesus Christ, the Atonement, the Book of Mormon, prophets, prayer, and etc.

I did this at least 10+ times over the course of a few years and came out with a few insights. For one, I noticed that YSA wards tended to express more gratitude than older family wards. Mostly though, I noticed the lack of the use of "I believe." In all of those testimony meetings, I probably heard the phrase I believe less than 5 times. Half of them were by my roommate who knew what I was doing and used them just to skew the numbers. The use of "I know" and "I testify" was roughly even in use, garnishing around 15 uses a piece each meeting.

This long observation solidified that there is a cultural tendency to use "I know" instead of "I believe." For many, this is not a big deal and the difference between the two words is moot and irrelevant. For me, I prefer the term believe because it implies hope, faith, and a bit of uncertainty. It's vibrant in its color of meaning and emotion. While the word KNOW is powerful, immovable, and certain; which doesn't convey my actual feelings. I don't think it conveys most people's actual testimony.

Due to this cultural norm I have long felt less spiritual or that I had less of a testimony because I didn't feel comfortable using the phrase "I know" whilst everyone around me did. It always struck me as ironic when the declaration of belief was never used and yet we would sing "I believe in Christ" at the end of the meeting.

Self-control and reasons to obey

The other week I was sitting in a church meeting as we were discussing some commandments and why we obey them. The question was asked on how to stay in line with the commandments and why we are obedient. Many different answers were given and each answer has some value and use to each participant. As I listened, I started to think about how I live my life in accordance with the commandments and why I do. I don't expect my answer to work for everyone else since everyone has their own preferences, strengths, and etc.

I idealize that every one of my decisions is going to based on the grand premise of what will make me happiest. Through my experiences I have found that deviating from the commandments may provide some immediate gratification but it does not necessarily yield greater happiness. When I do stray, I feel a sense of guilt and remorse. For many people that should be enough to stop the behavior, but yet for others it isn't always enough. Feelings are temporary and are easily forgotten. What our brain processes is typically the now. In the moment of temptation the immediate natural response is to take the instant pleasure, which  can be all too enticing. See this following video clip.

I eventually decided to look at these temptations with God out of the equation and look at it completely from a temporal perspective. For examples sake, I will look specifically at chastity. In my relationships with girls I have learned that while passionate kissing is fun it is also addicting. Strong feelings emerge from these actions and cloud my judgment. What if I just had sex and got that sexual tension out of the way? What harm would it do? Well would that have made my relationship better and allowed me to also focus on the more important aspects of the relationship such as mutual respect, communication, and common ideas? I honestly don't know but I don't believe it will. More than sex I want a strong fulfilling relationship. Incorporating sexual behavior seems to detract from other more important aspects of the relationship, especially in the spring of the relationship.  I also believe that limiting one's sexual encounters to just one person will help increase mutual respect, desire, and love between a couple. You may disagree, but for me I believe this to be true.

Also I find great satisfaction in having self control. This past year I have taken up running more and as many know, running isn't very easy. Every time I go I always want to stop because walking is a lot more pleasant than running. It's a mental game for me but so many times I just keep going and push through those endless minutes when I want to stop. This has taught me that I can do hard things. The increased health not only makes me feel good but I feel a great deal of satisfaction of knowing I ran those few miles and I didn't quit. Remaining sexually pure is also a matter of self-control. It's about saying no to the moment.

We all have our moments of weakness though, and for some saying no to ending a run short is harder than others just as saying no to an advancing mate is harder than others. If we do give in, it's not the end of the world. There is always the chance to be better. If you do give in, you shouldn't feel bad because feeling bad doesn't motivate us to change. What really motivates us to change is to imagine the good that will come with that change. You have to disconnect yourself from the now and view these decisions on a broader scale.

I choose to remain sexually pure not necessarily because God commanded it, but because I have found that it yields greater happiness and as I believe/hope yields for higher quality relationships in the future. It just so happens that this lifestyle is also in line with what I believe to be God's commandments. I no longer view it as an obligatory commandment I must obey because some supreme Diety says it's bad, but I view it as a path to joy.

As I prefaced, this is what seems to work for me but everyone is different and I encourage you to find what works for you.

Rich Food Inequality

I could not take another bite. It was disgustingly delicious. The table in front of me was filled with hot fudge, eclairs, dark chocolate mint brownies, and etc. All of them were housed in silver dishes, silk doilies, and hand-carved tables. This food was way too rich and it made me want to puke. I left the event and took a stroll to clear my mind and stomach. I soon found myself in a local food market. I found food, real food. I found food of the highest quality but yet it sat there hapless in dirty old broken wooden crates. I looked around and saw the potatoes in a cheaply made plastic sack digging grooves into their skin. The tortillas were tightly squeezed into a mishapen thin plastic bag. It was savagery

How could this huge disparity between rich and bland foods exist? The bland food was of no less value nutritionally but yet was subjected to such poor conditions and negative stereotypes as to taste and richness. How could I stand idly by as these foods lived at the bottom of the food chain with little to no opportunities to become rich. Is it the potatoes fault it was grown bland? Something had to be done to right this wrong.

The rich foods need to impart of their richness to the poor foods. The FDA needs to step in the create a more equal food society. Actual changes don't seem to be feasible in the near future but you can join me by boycotting the chocolate chip cookie doughs of the world. Those greedy, selfish, capitalist pigs have had their reign long enough. So join now and don't give room in your stomach for rich foods.

Obviously this is a parody on wealth inequality in our society today. This parody is only to have a little fun with some of the rhetoric being used in this argument. Unlike this parody, wealth inequality is a complex and multifaceted issue that does need serious address. That address is too daunting for me right now so I'll suffice with this. 

Ragnar: I can do hard things

The past two days I participated in an event called Ragnar. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a 198 relay race from Logan, UT to Park City, UT. I was on a 12 man team where we each take 3 turns running. I ran about 21 of those 198 miles.

I have never been much of an avid runner in my life and this was basically my first big event running. In fact the farthest I had ever run at once was 7 miles and two of my legs were longer than that. So suffice it to say, it wasn't easy. It was one of the more physically and mentally difficult things I've done in my life but yet it's one of the most memorable and exciting things I've done.

On my team of 12, I only knew one other person who was my coworker. He was the one who invited me to the team. It took some persuasion by him to get me to join and eventually I conceded, partly due to the fact that there would be 2 single girls my age in my group. I got to know the people in my group decently well in the space of 48 hours and shared good moments with them. I've slapped their calves, seen them without makeup, seen them groggily wake up at 2:30 in the morning and go running 5 miles immediately thereafter, and shared some laughs. I was surrounded by 17,000 other people going through the same difficult thing. It was kind of exhilarating. Everyone was friendly and courteous and I never once saw someone be mad or frown. Yes, I saw a lot of pain on peoples faces as they struggled up their run but yet everyone enjoyed it (at least from my view) It's interesting how something obviously difficult can be such a catalyst for the positive. Relationships improved and friendships were made. Random strangers would give words of encouragement. When someone kills you (passes you) or you're killing someone, people say "good job" and "keep it up". Everyone is going through the same experience and building each other up for a collective cause...to accomplish something difficult. Yes, some people are in it to win it but most are there to just complete the course as best and as fast as they can, whether they "win" or not. It's like an instant community forms overnight all working to achieve a common goal.

As I think back on the experiences I am most fond and proud of it's not the ones where I am getting a massage or lying on a beach, it's the ones where I am exhausted from hiking and rapelling down miles of a slot canyon with my friends on a scout camp, when I get a high score on a test that I studied really hard for, when I reach the top of a mountain, and when I run 5 miles in the middle of the night and have my team slap my calf at the end of it. It's that realization that you can do hard things that brings that sense of accomplishment in life. It's in the midst of your most difficult hour that happiness can be found. It brings painful but yet more powerfully positive memories. Experiences like those have powerful impacts in building relationships and improving morale.

Just like in life sometimes the hardest parts are the most rewarding. I wouldn't have done Ragnar if my coworker hadn't convinced in devious ways to do it. Frankly the thought of paying more than a $100 to run lots of miles at ridiculous hours does not quite sound appealing. But now that I've done it, I want to do it again and do more similar adventures. I've spent a lot of my life preventing myself from accomplishing great goals simply because it sounded hard and I doubted whether I could do it. I've ended up missing out on so much. Due to fear and laziness I have limited myself not only to running races but also to happiness. When we don't push ourselves to accomplish something hard or that we're afraid of, (whether it be going to college, asking someone on a date, running a marathon, forgiving a relative, and etc) we limit our happiness.

So take sometime to think of the things you've always wanted to do but yet haven't done just because it seemed too hard. You won't regret it.