Self-worth

Our relationships with other human beings has a huge impact on our sense of self-worth. It is human nature to want to be valued and accepted by others. It feels good to be loved. You feel important. But should your sense of self-worth be dictated by the oft-times fickle feelings of others? If people don't love you, should you feel worse about yourself? Are you not worthy of being loved? These questions should be a cause of self-reflection but instead of focusing on others opinions and feelings towards ourselves, we should focus on our love for others. Your sense of self-worth should come from your ability to love others and not their ability to love you.

Les Mis

A couple of years ago I read Les Miserables (the non-abridged version) by Victor Hugo. Inspired by play and comments from friends about the book, I embarked on reading the 1200 page classic masterpiece.

The story of Les Mis takes place in France around the time of the French Revolution. It follows the stories of the fictional characters Fantine and her daughter Cosette, the Bishop of Digne, Inspector Javert, the rich young man Marius, and the convict Jean Valjean. It's a story of poverty, love, mercy, revolution, and suffering.

Victor Hugo commented about Les Mis that as long as there is suffering and poverty in this world, this book will be needed. It has been nearly two hundred years since the publishing of this book and the world has perhaps never had so much change in a mere two centuries. Life is completely different than what it was then but yet the same social problems still exist. There is still heartbreak, distrust of government, revolution, greed, poverty, child neglect, anger, ostracization, and etc. Their lives and stories aren't different from ours at all.

I will not attempt to give a summary of the story but trust you are familiar with the story line enough to follow along with my thoughts on the book. I will discuss the story lines of some of the more prominent characters.

1. Marius

Marius in his very early twenties often frequented a certain park where he noticed a girl. He paid no attention to this girl because she wasn't pretty. A few months go by where he doesn't pass through this park but when he does pass through again he sees the same girl and now she is stunningly beautiful. She may only be 15 but let's not trifle with age in this story. A chivalrous man would go up to a fair lady and introduce himself. Does Marius do this? No! He returns the next day in his fine clothes and walks by again to get another look. Then a few minutes later he walks by yet again just to see if they can make eye contact. Then he finds a bench not too far away so he can casually look at her. He does this for months! He spends hours just going to see her but never approaches her. He starts following her home. During these months he stops working, stops spending time with his friends, and stops doing anything besides stalk this girl. Eventually Cosette's Guardian, Jean Valjean grows suspicious and since he is an escaped convict he moves himself and Cosette.  The girl of Marius's dreams is now lost to him and he goes into a depressed state. After another 6 months he finds out where she lives. So naturally he sneaks onto their property late at night just to possibly see or hear her. Meanwhile Cosette is terrified because she thinks someone with evil intentions is on her property. Eventually he meets her at night on her property and says the following to her.

"I could not go on living the way things were, and so I had to come. Do you perhaps recognize me? I come here at night, but don't worry, no one sees me. I come and look up at your windows, and I walk very quietly so as not to disturb you. I was behind you the other evening when you looked round, and I hid and ran for it. Once I heard you singing and it made me very happy. Does it matter to you if I listen to you singing through the shutters? It can do no harm. But you don't mind do you? To me, you see, you're an angel. You must let me come sometimes. I think I'm going to die. If you knew how I adore you! Forgive me for talking like this, I don't know what I'm saying, perhaps I'm annoying you. Am I annoying you?"

Get this kid a restraining order.

2. The Bishop

The Bishop of Digne is not given much of a story in the play.  In the play, as you may know, the Bishop gives a meal and a bed to the convict Jean Valjean. Valjean in the night steals the bishops silver and gets caught by the police. In a great act of mercy, the Bishop lets Valjean go with the silver. This act ends up being the catalyst that changes the life of Valjean.

Knowing the story of the Bishop as told by Hugo makes this act all the more extraordinary and expected. Hugo spends the first 50 pages of the book telling his story. The Bishop dedicated his life to the service of the people and God. In a position of power and wealth he lived a very humble life. He refused to take on the comforts of his position and used those excess funds to give back to the community. The bishop only kept a few fine things in his life which were silver dishes, utensils, and candlesticks. They were his one last nice possessions. When he finds out Valjean steals the silver his first thought isn't of anger or condemnation but of regret he had not given the silver away sooner in life. It was not his in the first place but God's. When Valjean shows up at his doorstep in the hands of the police the bishop responds

"'So here you are!' he cried to Valjean. 'I'm delighted to see you. Had you forgotten that I gave you the candlesticks as well? They're silver like the rest, and worth a good two hundred francs. Did you forget to take them?'"

After a few words of exchange with the police the Bishop approaches Valjean and says in a low voice.

"Do not forget, do not ever forget, that you have promised me to use the money to make yourself an honest man... Jean Valjean, my brother, you no longer belong to what is evil but to what is good. I have bought your soul to save it from black thoughts and the spirit of perdition, and I give it to God."

Knowing that this act by the Bishop was not unusual for him but also was his last fine possession to give away makes the life of the Bishop a marvel and an example to us all.

3. Javert

Before reading this book and having only seen the musical and movie, I was always struck by Javert's death. I am not talking about the the movie death when you cringe as his body hits the river with a dramatic thud but I am more interested in what was going on in the mind of Javert when he decides to take his own life. Why must he kill himself? Why can't he find a way to reconcile his beliefs and recent experiences so that living is a viable option? 

Javert's life had been so fixed on one worldview and one mindset. There was only one world, one dogma, and one truth. When Jean Valjean spares Javert's life and shows him mercy, a new data point enters Javert's life which lies outside his accepted view of reality. The godliness of a convict breaks him. Mercy destroys his soul. His worldview crashes like a stain glass window hit with a brick. But why must it shatter? Javert experiences what psychologists call cognitive dissonance. This state of mind is very common with those of strict worldviews learning new information. 

It bothers me that someone could forsake their own life simply because something doesn't align with how they think the world should be. Are we so dogmatic in our ways that even life itself is less valuable than the perfection of our stain glass window beliefs?

4. Fantine

Fantine's life is a series of tragic events that eventually lead to her death. As a young girl she and her friends spend time with some young men. To everyone but Cosette the relationships were just youthful amusements. Tholomyes though was more than just a summer crush to Fantine. "She had given herself to Tholomyes as to a husband, and the poor girl had a child" The young men leave and Fantine is left to raise a child by herself. The book makes no mention if Tholomyes knew about the child.

As a young single mother struggling to provide for her child and herself she is forced to give her child over to some caretakers. In a unfortunate error of judgment she entrusts her daughter Cosette to the Thenardiers, who show no love to Cosette. Through a chain of tragic circumstances, misunderstandings, and bad luck she has to sell her teeth, hair, and virtue to keep her and Cosette alive. Eventually this downward spiral kills her.

I weep for her life that was filled with so much youthful optimism and ended so tragically. How quickly can our lives go south. May we be less judgmental to those in such circumstances. May we be more helpful, empathetic, and loving to those whose lives resembles Fantine's.

5. Valjean

Jean Valjean is the main character of this book and there is so much to be written about his life that I won't attempt it. His is a story of tragedy, redemption, love, suffering, injustice, contempt, poverty and wealth, and selflessness. Hugo uses the life of Valjean to weave together the raw vicissitudes of life.

If you are not familiar with the story I would recommend watching the movie, seeing the play, or better yet reading the book. My synopsis was quick and lacking in so many areas but I hope it brings new light to you about the story or encourages you to become familiar with the story. It is life changing. At least it was for me.

Why doesn't everyone else think like me?

In the midst of a heated political election where opinions are shared freely and openly it has caused me to reflect on the very nature of our own political, social, and economic views and beliefs. In the modern day of social media these views are shared quite ardently. It appears that most things posted are either very in favor or against. It's as if everyone knows the answer or at least knows what the answer is not. Certitude over right and wrong, fact or fiction, best or worst seems to prevail in the rhetoric. Personally I struggle with extremes and superlatives. I don't like them because I find them rarely true. Even standardized testing taught me that superlatives are almost never the correct choice. 

When I see two sides adamantly exclaim they are right and the other side is wrong I wonder if either side is right or wrong. Both sides have sensible people. Both sides have support and rational. Yet they just can't agree. 

I find myself looking at the chaos and thinking, "if only everyone else was rational and thought like I do!"

I'm befuddled by the absurd senseless idiotic ideas and "facts" spread around. Has everyone gone crazy? This is not difficult people! The answer is so clear that I question your very ability to function as a human being!

Sound familiar? 

You probably have the exact same thoughts. So who is right? Who is the sensible one? Who does have the best worldview? As much as I would like to think it's me I know it's not. 

And that is the lesson I hope we can all learn. So many of us are hardened in our position that we lose the humility to accept that we could be wrong. We fail to consider that there are others who are more knowledgeable, rational, considerate, and loving than us. We fail to consider that our belief may be misguided or incomplete. 

Yet so many of us continue to entrench ourselves in our position. We keep going back to the same sources of information to fortify our resolve in our stance. Maybe it's time we seriously consider why someone else would hold the views they do. Maybe it's time to consider that the world you wish to see isn't what's best or right. Maybe it's a good thing not everyone thinks the way you do. 

The Decision

In the LDS singles ward I live in we recently had a huge influx of engaged couples, including me. So for the lesson in Elder's Quorum the presidency decided that the 5 five or so engaged men get up and tell the process of how they decided to get married. I had the fortune of listening to everyone else's experience before I shared my thoughts. As I listened it struck me how differently everyone approached that decision and how varied the difficulty of that decision was for everyone.


I realized that the revelatory process in regards to getting married wasn't different from the other major life decisions we have made. But marriage is THE decision. It is the BIG decision. So we may naturally stress out about it. But is the process all that different from other decisions we make in our life? What college to go to? What to major in? Where to live? What job to take? For me the decision about what college to go to wasn't really a decision. I knew where I wanted to go. But what major I should do required more thought and prayer. However, I know many who have the exact opposite experience. Some decisions come naturally to us and others require us to seek out more guidance and help. Why should it be different with the decision to get married?

Jill, my betrothed, asked me as we were talking about the possibility of getting married if I had prayed about it. "Ummm...not directly I guess." I had never asked God directly if I should marry Jill. I had prayed every day expressing my gratitude for the simple fact that she was in my life. I had prayed expressing my intentions of where I wanted the relationship to go but I had never asked if that was the right decision. I had prayed for guidance in my life to make good decisions but never specifically about getting married to Jill. I just felt good about the relationship and I never felt the need to ask God if it was the right decision. But due to Jill's question I did ask directly. The impression I got was that I was already on the right path and that I really didn't need to ask because I had already received my answer.

My ability to make that decision came naturally to me. I just knew that is what I wanted. For Jill though it was not that easy. And as I listened to others in my elders quorum tell of their experiences I saw others who needed more guidance than me and some who needed less than me. And I don't think one experience is better than any other. We all experience revelation with God differently and we all face our life decisions differently from decision to decision.

Barefoot Running

Running has become a part of my life the past few years. I have run several long distance relay races, a couple half marathons, and even a full marathon. Doing these events has given me goals that push me past my previous conceptions of what I could do. They also help me get off the couch.

Like any other sport or physical event, injuries happen. Most runners go through several injuries in their life. Most of the time it's just aches and pains that plague them and make running less comfortable. Sometimes the injury will sideline the runner for months or even years at a time. I don't want to have injuries and aches and pains be a part of my running experience. Because of that I have taken up a somewhat radical approach to my training. I run barefoot. Not barefoot shoes. Literally just my bare skin.

But let's tell you the story of how I have got to this crazy habit.

In early spring of 2013 I was at a sporting goods store with some friends. We were preparing for a camping trip to Goblin Valley. One of my friends was looking for some durable hiking boots. While he was doing this I was browsing the clearance shoe isle. I ended up finding this super thin and light shoe. It had great grip on the bottom and I liked the design of it. It looked like it would give me great grip and control but yet be very light and be a minimal presence on my foot. For some reason this idea spoke to me. I then saw the boots my friend bought and they were just a massive brick. I couldn't understand how that would be more comfortable. I bought those clearance shoes. When I got home I looked up the shoes online to learn more about them. Since they were in the clearance section there wasn't much information about them at the store. I learned they were what is called a minimalist shoe. I started learning things about drop, heel strike, running forms, and even a crazy thing called barefoot running. It was all very fascinating to me. But I loved the shoes. They worked great on the hike we went on.

At this point I wasn't a runner. I would occasionally run a mile or two in old basketball shoes but that was it. It was also at this point in time that a co-worker of mine invited me to join a Ragnar team, a long distance relay race.

My co-worker and I started training during our lunch breaks. The first day we ran 4 miles. It seemed like an eternity. Over time I grew a bit more confident in my ability to run 4 or even 5 miles without completely hating every second of it. At Ragnar I had to run eight, seven, and five mile distances. While it was hard, I enjoyed the experience. In a matter of only a few months I ended up running distances I previously thought I would never do. This gave me confidence and sparked the question if I could do more. That race revealed the runner inside of me.

While racing and training for Ragnar I had two pairs of running shoes. The previously mentioned minimalist shoes and a pair of traditional Nike running shoes. All of my training was done in minimalist shoes but my 8 mile run would be all downhill. So I bought the traditional shoes to help absorb some of the punishment of the downhill. I have not run on those shoes since that run. It was painful.

The next year I worked up the courage to start training for a full marathon. During this time I grew more interested in conditioning and overall health as a runner. I started doing yoga, eating a little better, and reading more articles about runners experiences training for marathons. During this time I grew a little more fascinated with barefoot running. I became persuaded by the arguments that barefoot running reduced impact on the joints and was simply a more natural and healthy way to run. I was already emulating a toe strike running style, landing on the front of your foot instead the heel, in my minimalist shoes based on the articles I had been reading. But is barefoot running actually doable? Is barefoot running as easy as the advocates say it is or is it as painful and dangerous as the critics say it is?

So I went out a few times running in only my socks around the park. It was very doable and actually quite fun! I learned a few things first hand by doing it. I learned grass was very comfortable to run in except when an unexpected pine cone showed up. I learned that porous path around the park was a little rough on the feet, even in socks. But overall I enjoyed it and found it wasn't painful depending on the surface you ran on. What I liked the most is how it changed my running form. I was forced to run in a different way because barefoot forces you to run that way. You can't do a heel strike barefoot unless you want to have instant pain. Every step running barefoot required you to make adjustments as you literally felt everything you ran on.

But besides those couple of "sock" runs I never did it again. I still used the minimalist shoes for my marathon and still tried to emulate a barefoot running style but I never went barefoot again.

This year I started training again for a race and I was starting to do some higher miles (for me at least). I got up to 10 miles on a couple of occasions but my legs would be in so much pain by that point that I had to stop. Maybe I just moved up miles too quickly? But then my left outer knee and right hip would start giving me a lot of pain around mile 2 or 3. What the heck? I would have to stop and stretch and then start running again only to have to stop and stretch once the pain came back. It got to the point where I would have to stop and stretch every quarter mile. Something was wrong.

That's when barefoot running came back to mind. During the previous winter I read the book "Born to Run", the bible of barefoot running. I remembered in the book that humans could run insane distances and not have any injuries related to running. So why was I having after only a couple of miles? The author tells the personal story of being injured from running and thinking he would never run again. By the end of the book he is able to run ultra distances. Could I do the same?

The body was designed to run long distances. Why was my body resisting it so much? So I decided to go back to basics. In this case it meant taking off my shoes and running. I went out completely barefoot the next day and ran 4 miles. Not far. I didn't want to overdo it because I had heard transitioning to barefoot needs some breaking into. The great thing that happened was that those knee and hip pains I was feeling before were gone for those 4 miles. I never felt it! What the heck!?! This crazy idea of running barefoot actually worked! So I ran a few more times barefoot but then I stopped.

Why would I stop if it seemed to be working for me? Well for one simple reason. I didn't want to just run around the same park my whole life. I can't run barefoot on most streets. Where I live the streets are a porous asphalt with lots of loose rock and sometimes glass. I can't run on that. The sidewalk system often ends abruptly and there is simply no good path with smooth surfaces for me to run on for longer distances.

So in the end I still need shoes. I will still run barefoot but only in controlled settings. But when it comes to longer runs over multiple terrains I will need shoes. Now to find the shoes that give me the best barefoot feel but with the protection I need. I feel I might go through many different variations over the years.

My story is simply one data point out of many. I fully recognize that my one experience of having barefoot running work for me doesn't mean this is a proven science or technique. However, I think there is little to lose in trying it if you experience pain and injuries from running.

Good luck running!!

God's plan for me

I don't pretend to understand God
and His plan for me
I know He wants me to be happy
but sometimes I cannot see

I make my own plans
based off where I expect to go
but as I have leaned in time
I am taken down paths I do not know

When life appears to go one way
and I fully expect to see it through
I have an unexpected feeling
and I am not sure what to do

The feeling makes little sense
and I doubt it constantly
for it's easy to question
when I don't quite feel worthy

But I follow it anyways
giving up a fruitful way
hoping it will lead me
to a place I long to stay

For a while I venture
and still I struggle to see the destination
My heart shifts to and from
a feeling of confirmation

What does God have planned for me?
Did I read His signs correctly?
Would I have been better off
with my original itinerary?

For now the path is lonely
the future is uncertain
I could have been in a different place
with another person

But I have to trust in God
that He does have a plan for me
and if I just continue
I will one day truly see

I will see the end from the beginning
and all the ways I could have gone
and hopefully I will be grateful
that this decision wasn't wrong

For when life is dark and dreary
it's easy to look back and say
I would have been better off
If I went the other way

Disneyland! The happiest place on earth!

Disneyland! The happiest place on earth!!!!

Right...?

I recently visited Disneyland. I was able to enjoy the warm California weather, the beautiful scenery, the thrilling rides, the enchantment of the most famous theme park on earth, and the company of good friends. It was a great! Happiest place on earth, right? So why did I often not feel happy? Certainly I had a good time and was entertained but I wouldn't call that happiness. All external factors seemed to be pushing the dial to happy though. What was missing?

Was it the fact that Disneyland was hot, littered with people, charged extortionary food prices, and was encumbered with atrociously long lines for attractions? Yeah I guess that certainly didn't help. Standing in line for hours on end and paying a 500% markup on water certainly didn't add to my enjoyment. Would have I been happier in better weather, cheaper prices, shorter lines, and a hover-bed equipped with all you can eat food and a massouse? I don't know but I highly doubt it.

So is Disneyland really the happiest place on earth? The obvious answer is no. That would be preposterous. But is there a place that is happier? Could it be a sacred places of worship, or individual homes, places in nature, work? I guess it really depends on the individual. The happiest place on earth is...well unique to everyone.

For me that place is not Disneyland. For some it may be. The happiest place on earth for me is the place where I know I am actively progressing in life and serving those I love. These places have been at home, the temple, on my bicycle, on the top of a mountain, at the beach, and other places. But yet these places have also been where I have felt some of the deepest pain and sorrow. So it begs the question if a physical location can be the happiest place on earth for an individual. Again...I don't think so. I believe happiness comes from within, not from a coordinate.

But yet I saw so many happy people at Disneyland. Surely there is something to a place to affects happiness. Do external factors have some control on our happiness? I don't believe that happiness could be as simple as choosing to be happy. It can't be as easy as flipping on a light switch. If that was the case then my life lately looks like a light switch rave party. Why in the world would I be choosing that? And I am sure if you randomly put 100 people in Disneyland for a day and another 100 random people in the middle of a desert sand storm for a day and asked both groups how happy they were you would get different results. Since our external surroundings do affect our happiness, does that truly undermine the idea that happiness is a choice?

To a certain extent, our external surroundings (places we are, people we are with, and things we are doing) are determined by the choices we make in life. So if we are making choices that put us in "happier" places, then yes we are choosing to be happy. And our situations and the places where we are can make the choice to be happy an easier choice to make. It's easy to choose to be happy when you are at the beach with people you love but not so easy if you are stuck in a sewer tunnel with a guy a little too excited about eating you. Some situations make happiness almost a given. As if it is not even a choice. Happiness only seems to need to be a choice when you're not happy. No one ever tells you that happiness is a choice when you're already happy. That is what happy people tell to unhappy people.

I do think happiness is a choice. Happiness is the result of the choices we make in how we live our life and the simple choice to be happy. Those choices, for whatever reason, are easier for some to make than for others. I feel for those who struggle with depression because I know for them it definitely doesn't feel like a choice. It feels as if happiness will never come. I don't pretend to know what depression is truly like but I have definitely had my fair share of moments when it felt like the sun wouldn't shine again. When the simple phrase, "choose to be happy" just felt like a slap in the face.

It's obvious no physical location is the happiest place on earth. I guess I will just work on being in places where I can make that place be the happiest place on earth for me at that moment. Or something like that...

All will be well!

Dating is hard! That shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. But why is it so hard? It's hard because you have to totally give of yourself emotionally and always be at risk to have it not work out. You are at your most vulnerable point when you're dating. You risk everything. Or at least you should be willing to risk everything. You have in your grasp the opportunity to gain the world, a loving relationship. Yet you are always one conversation away from losing all of that. More often than not, you end up not gaining the world. You break up.

I have heard that breakups can be emotionally as difficult as a death in one's family. For when a family member, or even a spouse, dies you still have the promise that you will be with that person again. You can still have the same relationship with them in the next life. With a breakup you have NO promise of having the same relationship with that person ever again, assuming it's a permanent break up. That relationship is lost to you forever. All the goodness and love is...gone. What consolation do you have? That the experience served to make you a better person? That you can maybe find another relationship with someone else somewhere down the road? That isn't super comforting in the immediate wake of the loss. It's hard to accept that you will find someone else mainly because you don't want to find someone else. You still want the relationship you just had.

So you move on. Or at least you try. But you still don't know how to fill that void in your life. Where there was love, service, and purpose you now have emptiness. The pain of that seemingly bottomless void hurts so bad. What is worse yet is that you still don't want to fill it. Somehow you feel that by filling the void you have truly ended the relationship. Your life was about someone else and now it is about about you again, which is far less satisfying. Single life is inherently not as fulfilling as a life devoted to someone else's happiness. Sure being single can be fun and adventurous and one can find happiness there but...it just feels lacking.

How do you go back to your old single life? How do you go back to first dates and nights watching netflix alone? What do you do with your time that used be spent serving another? Where do you redirect your thoughts, your energy, and love? How do you go on? I don't know. I wish there was an easy answer. It's hard to go on when deep down you still don't want to accept that you must go on. You vainly hold on emotionally to that relationship. You simply don't know what else to hold on to.

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on... when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? -Frodo Baggins

Is Frodo right? Is there is no going back? No! You can't. You are forever changed by that relationship. You are never the same. For better or for worse you have been changed. You can't go back to who you were.

Hopefully you have been changed for good. Hopefully the relationship taught how to give of yourself and how to love another person. Hopefully you experienced joy, honesty, kindness, and mutual respect. Hopefully you learned how to practice patience and faith. Hopefully you were able to live beyond yourself.

Even if the relationship was good and the break up was right, the first few days, weeks, months, and sometimes even years are not easy. There is still pain. The pain of the loss is palpable. Sometimes it seems too much to carry at times. It sucks! Plain and simple.

"How can we love days that are filled with sorrow? We can’t—at least not in the moment. I don’t think my mother was suggesting that we suppress discouragement or deny the reality of pain. I don’t think she was suggesting that we smother unpleasant truths beneath a cloak of pretended happiness. But I do believe that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life. If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness." - Joseph B Wirthlin

In the time of deepest pain, sorrow, and loneliness, you have the opportunity for the greatest growth. How you react is so important. Will you remember the phrase, "Come what may, and love it!"? Will you take comfort in the Lord's promise that all will be well. I promise you that all will be well!

Why will all be well? How could it ever all be well when all seems broken and lost? Because you will CHOOSE to make it well. You will choose to love yourself and sometimes even more importantly, you will continue to love the one who broke your heart. You will choose to be kind, positive, hopeful, and supportive. You will choose to go to the Lord and seek his guidance and you will recognize the hand of the Lord guiding, supporting, and comforting you. He will give you peace and comfort. You will choose to be grateful that you have experienced such a wonderful relationship. You will choose to proactively find new and uplifting ways to use your new found time and energy. You will choose to see the small glimmers of light protruding through the dark tearful clouds of your soul. You will choose to see that this experience will serve to make you better. You will choose to remember Christ's love for you and his immense capacity to comfort and forgive you. God will always love you. Even if someone else no longer does, God still loves you. It's your choice to recognize that love and accept it. It's your choice to make the best of so much pain. It's your choice to be well. That is why all will be well. Because you will choose to be well.

"Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come." - Joseph B. Wirthlin

Yes Sunday will come. Maybe not as soon as you would like but it will come. All will be well!

Lead thou me on!

My last published blog post was very hard to write for me. In it I delved into some of the questions I have feared asking. My friend pointed out that I made it seem like I was convinced I didn't need Christ or that I could simply do things by myself. He had a point. While I still believe that we are more capable than we often give ourselves credit for, I no longer believe nor would I want to overcome life's challenges by myself.

Christ, our ultimate example, when going through his darkest hours in the garden of Gethsamane and on the cross didn't go through those experiences alone. Even He, the son of God, requested and needed help. So why would I want to do it alone? Recently I have been reminded how hard and difficult life can be. There are many things in life that cut us deep. Experiences that go to our core. They leave us wondering how much pain can be suffered. As the Princess Bride wonderfully said, "Life is pain". I am so grateful that even though at times my pain seems too much to bear, I have people around me to be there with me through the pain. I would not want to go through the pains of life without them. It's reassuring to talk with someone who understands my pain. It doesn't take away the pain but it does make it more bearable. Having someone you can talk to, who will listen to you, and who can comfort you is a reassuring idea. I would never want to go through life with out that. As much as I want to be independent, I don't want to go through life's experiences alone. Which is why the doctrine of the atonement of Christ is so reassuring. Having someone who will always be there for you in your times of sorrow is a comforting doctrine. Man was not meant to pass through the sorrows of this world alone.

In my time of pain, I have found comfort in friends and family but I have also found comfort in God. It was He who I first went to for peace and solace. Peace and solace was given but it didn't last, nor do I think it was meant to. God gave me what I needed in the time I needed it. Certain thoughts, feelings, and words were needed in my life at certain times. Those were given to me recently. They gave me enough strength and courage to go past the crest of the next hill. Nevertheless, I still had to walk up that hill. This experience has humbled me to realize just how much I need God and others. While I am still sure I could have gone through this experience alone, I would never ever want to. I don't know if I would come out whole on the other side. With God and other support, we can cope and learn. We can be reassured and be given some brief solace. We can not only come out whole on the other side but can come out better for it.

So when it comes to the question of my last blog post: Lead thou me on? Please do! I don't want to wander through the desert of life anymore without you. Forgive me for the times when I was cocky and thought I no longer needed you. As I go through some of the agonies of life, it gives me more respect and awe for the sacrifice you willingly did for all of us. I may not understand it, I may not have the greatest testimony of it, but I do recognize now that is is foolish for me to not want thy support.

Lead thou me on?

This past Christmas season the LDS church had a big campaign about how Christ is the gift of Christmas. He is God's gift to mankind. But lately I have been questioning if I want that gift. What would I do with it? A strange question considering I taught about Christ for two years. I know who He is on a fundamental level. I could tell you all sorts of facts about Him, what He did, and "why" He is needed. But yet I still wonder why there is all this hubbub about him. I have always known Christ is important but I don't know if I have ever quite felt it.

The doctrine is that it is only through Christ that we can return to live with God. Well why? That kind of seems like a dumb plan if you ask me. Why do I have to go through some arbitrary process to live with God again? Why does He make me completely dependent upon His only begotten son? Why can't I be dependent upon His son Jacob Allred? I know I am not perfect but should that matter? Haven't I been taught that I am powerful beyond all measure? Doesn't the power to change ultimately reside in me? So why do I need a third party involved? It is said that no unclean thing can enter into heaven. Okay well let me go clean myself! I can change! I have soap and water. So why do I need a special brand of soap? Is my soap not good enough? Does it not work or something?

So maybe the question really is why do I need Christ? Or better yet, why does God require me to need Christ? Why can't I be powerful enough to change myself? I often hear people finding power in the atonement. This has always baffled me. Is the atonement giving them an extra boost of willpower to do their home-teaching or to refrain from getting into a fight? You know that you can become a better person without Christ. Many people quit smoking, support the homeless, and forgive their neighbors all without needing this extra support. They just do it on their own sheer willpower and desire. They do it without help. That sounds a little more impressive than those who call for help at the first sign of struggle.

The last few years I have become more and more independent. Not only have I become independent financially but in many ways spiritually. I have learned the resiliency of the human body and mind. I ran a marathon, an idea two years ago I would have thought impossible. I have proved to myself that I can do incredible things without asking for God's intervention. I'm amazed at what the body and mind can do. I want to keep challenging myself to see what I can do. I want to be the master of my ship. I want to control my destiny.

During a time in which my very belief in God has been in question and my own independence has increased, I guess it's no surprise that I ask these questions. I question how much I need or don't need God and His son Jesus Christ.

I don't know why God requires me to need Christ for my salvation. Maybe it's to teach me humility and not let pride rule my will. Maybe humbling myself to a subsidiary role is a requisite process to eventually becoming like God. As Christ says in Ether 12:27 "...my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me" Maybe it's all about humility. Maybe...

I was not ever thus, nor prayed that thou shouldst lead me on.
I loved to choose and see my path...

Will my life finish the verse?

...but now, Lead thou me on!

Passion

What are you passionate about? What do you most want to do for a living?

...

I don't know

...

That is the truth of it. I don't know. It feels so empty and hollow when I put it that way. Do you feel the same way too? I know there must be others out there. Especially recent graduates in their 20's like me.

"My entire life I have done what everyone has told me I should do. From kindergarten to my senior year of college I had a high GPA, I volunteered, I played sports, I was in groups, extracurricular activities, student council. I did all that stuff. I was checking off the boxes in order to become a successful American." - Charlie Hoehn on the NPR Ted Radio Hour

"Being in your 20's can kind of suck because up to that point your whole life has been mapped out. High school then maybe college and then you're 22 or 23 and you're out. The safety net is gone. And the world is like, 'Go figure it out'"- Guy Raz on the NPR TED Radio Hour
 
Do these quotes sound familiar to the situation that you're in? They do to me. I am a college graduate and I have my first full-time job. I am fortunate. I have now accomplished all that I was supposed to do. I checked those boxes. Now what?

My job is good but it's not something I want to be doing for the rest of my life. But when I think about what I want to be doing for the rest of my life, at least in terms of a profession, I am at a loss. I have no idea what I want to do and that fact is really starting to bother me. I feel directionless. Well not completely directionless. There are many opportunities and different interests for me and I could have a good career in many fields. But am I not supposed to only pursue the one I am passionate about? At least that is what all the videos and articles tell me to do. Right?

Recently I was talking with a girl who had passion and direction. It radiated from her as she spoke of it. It was beautiful. I was captivated and jealous. Eventually she asked me what I was passionate about and I had no response. Instantly I felt inferior as if something was wrong with me. I wanted to be like her but deep down I knew I wasn't, which is why the following quote really resonates with me.

"We keep telling people to follow their passion and I feel like that can be an intimidating and almost cruel thing to say to people at times because first of all if somebody has one central powerful burning passion, they're probably already following it because that is sort of the definition of passion is that you don't have a choice. If you don't, which is a lot of people, have one central burning passion and somebody tells you to follow your passion, I think you have the right to give them the finger. Because it just makes you feel worse. And so I always say to people if you don't have an obvious passion to forget about it. Follow your curiosity because passion is sort of a tower flame that is not always accessible and curiosity is something that anybody can access any day. Your curiosity may lead  you to your passion or it may not. It may have been for 'nothing', in which case all you have done your entire life is spend your existence in pursuit of the things that made you feel curious and inspired and that should be good enough. If you get to do that, that is a wonderful way to have spent your time here." -Elizabeth Gilbert on the NPR TED Radio Hour

So why should I worry about what my passion is? Not knowing my passion shouldn't be a tragedy. Maybe some people are born with the gift of passion and others are born with the gift of...something else. I choose to be fine with that something else...whatever it is. I know I am not the only one with the same predicament. I know there are other dispassionate people out there. Maybe I could have stated that last sentence to sound more inspiring.

But like Elizabeth Gilbert said, "follow your curiosities." Don't be afraid to learn about new things or simply try out something new. Don't let your fear of the unknown or the fear of not having a passion make you be idle. Don't wait until your passion suddenly just slaps you across the face. It won't. It doesn't come to us like the ring came to Sméagol instantly consuming his life. "It came to me, my own, my love, my precious." The longer you sit there watching Netflix naively hoping passion will come, the more likely you will never find it. So at the very least go out there and do something, even if it's only pursuing a passing interest. Maybe in the pursuit of those mere curiosities you find something that truly inspires you and gives you passion.

Faith and Doubt

"Remember that faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time. Cast out doubt. Cultivate Faith." - President Monson Oct 2000

"Doubt not" - D&C 6:6

"Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith" - President Uchtdorf Oct 2013

I have heard similar sayings all my life. Once embroidered hanging on the wall at a friends house, now they appear against beautiful backdrops on my friends Facebook wall. Isn't it great? Actually it's not great. I can't stand these quotes. I get so annoyed whenever I see or hear them. But I can't outwardly express the anger I feel because I shouldn't be bothered by quotes from scripture and the prophets. Why don't I like these quotes about doubt and why do they bother me so much? As I have thought about why this bothers me I have found two main reasons.


         1. They don't agree with my personal understanding of the relationship between doubt and faith
         2. I identify myself as a doubter


In my first year of Seminary at Bennion Jr. High we had a class about faith. This class was memorable because we got to watch part of a movie and not just one of those cheesy church movies. We got to watch Indiana Jones. It was awesome. We watched a scene from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. In this scene Indiana is forced to go through a series of tests/traps to get to the Holy Grail, which has the power to save his recently shot father. In cinematic fashion he gets past the first two tests narrowly escaping with his life each time. He now reaches a chasm that he must cross but there is no bridge. The only instruction that he has is that he must take a leap of faith. With nothing but an endless fall in front of him, he puts his foot out and takes a leap of faith into what is most certainly his death. To Indiana's great relief he finds his foot lands on solid ground on a bridge that was invisible from the perspective of where he previously stood.


In the moment of decision, Indiana was visibly terrified. He had his reasons to doubt and be afraid. It was an endless pit he was stepping into for heaven's sake. And not the cool pits where you can fight a Balrog on the way down. He had good reason to believe he would fall to his death and he took that step anyway. That's gutsy. It was in the face of that doubt that he truly exercised faith. If the bridge was obvious, it wouldn't have been a leap of faith, right? In other words, it's because of doubt and uncertainty, that faith can exist. That is how I've understood the relationship between doubt and faith since that lesson when I was 14 and the quotes I shared earlier just didn't seem to mesh with that understanding. It seemed as if doubt was the bad guy and that those who doubted were somehow less faithful and righteous.


Which brings me to my second point. I am a doubter. Over the past few years I have faced some experiences that have made me question the core foundations of my testimony, I have witnessed some of my best friends leave the church, and I have come to realize that I simply don't know. I don't know if God exists but I hope He does and if so, I believe He loves me and you. I don't know if this is God's true church but I have found that following its core principles has helped lead me to higher forms of happiness. I don't know a good deal of many things... but that is fine. I don't need to know everything. These very statements and ideas have taken me years to personally accept and feel comfortable stating. During this time I have felt as if I was less worthy or that I was somehow different. I have feared that my testimony or lack thereof would negatively affect my relationship with my family, friends, and future love interests. It was because of the perceived negative rapport about doubt that made this faith transition harder. That is why I haven't liked these quotes. It made me feel ostracized. Well the truth is, there are more people like me than I may realized.

So is doubt a bad thing? Yes and no. What doubt does for us is it challenges us, makes us ask questions, and enables us to trust and have faith. These challenges force us to grow and the questions can direct us to truth. Doubt made Indiana realize he loved and trusted his father more than what his senses told him. After all, his father had been right up to that point. Doubt made Indiana put faith in his father.

However, doubt can do exactly the opposite. It can pose challenges and questions so daunting that we simply give up. Doubt causes us to not trust and not have faith. Indiana could have turned around. He could have not taken that step and he would have never found the holy grail and saved his father. He would have missed so much. The same goes for us. When we doubt we don't apply for that job, ask that person on a date, or we don't run that race. Doubt hinders our progression. Doubt is paralyzing. Doubt is only bad when it overcomes faith. That is why we must rely on faith. At some point we must take that step into the abyss. Of course if you doubt your parachute is not properly packed, taking that step might not be a good idea.

Doubt is a wonderful thing. I love it. It's brought me to many truths. However, I can't let doubt paralyze me. At some point I have to exercise faith in the face of doubt. I must progress. I must move past my fears and doubts and learn to trust in myself and in God so that when the grey rain curtain of this world rolls back I will see white shores, and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise.

"I have sympathy for the man or woman when honest doubts enter their minds and they engage in the great conflict of resolving doubts. These doubts can be resolved, if they have an honest desire to know the truth, by exercising moral, spiritual, and mental effort. They will emerge from the conflict into a firmer, stronger, larger faith because of the struggle. They have gone from a simple trusting faith, through doubt and conflict, into a solid substantial faith which ripens into testimony." Howard W Hunter Oct 1960

Jekyll and Hyde

Growing up my knowledge of the story of Jekyll and Hyde was very limited. I was familiar with the book on the most basic concept. I knew a person changed from being normal to being a monster. That was it. I thought Jekyll was the monster because the name Jekyll sounded more menacing than the name Hyde(which is wrong by the way). My main source of knowledge came from the PBS TV show Arthur. I strongly urge you to watch the clip because it is one of the best few minutes of television.

 I was grossly unaware of the whole story. For a summary please read the plot overview. I tried making my own synopsis...but spark notes already did it for me. If you're not familiar with the book take 10 min to read the summary. Spoiler alert. Jekyll turns into Hyde.

Personally I am fascinated with people's motives, their stories, and their rationales behind their actions. So hearing from Dr. Jekyll the story of how he came to die and be overpowered by Mr. Hyde is very intriguing. To me, it offers a glimpse into aspects of life that I think many of struggle with. I see a relationship in this story to my own life and to some extent, I think this story sheds light on universal truth about human nature. 

Most of us have desires to do things we know that we shouldn't do or at least we would be ashamed to do publicly. I think we all want to be good people but there are those times when we want the opposite. We want to have some fun, give in to our passions and lusts, and take advantage of others. 

Sometimes we give into these desires and give life to our alter egos. If we give in enough to these desires, eventually they will become stronger and overtake us like Mr. Hyde overtook Dr. Jekyll. 

One great enabler behind Dr Jekyll turning into Mr. Hyde was that he was able to dissociate the actions of Mr. Hyde from the publicly virtuous life of Dr. Jekyll. He thought by physically separating the two he would make the actions of one have no effect on the other. He was wrong. Dr Jekyll became utterly miserable and didn't find that happiness he thought he would have. So with us, we may try to dissociate our impure desires and actions with our more pure side. We do this in many ways. We may think that what we do behind closed doors alone doesn't affect who we are outside those doors. Or we might think that overcompensating and publicly espousing our Dr. Jekyll will somehow redeem the actions of our Mr. Hyde. However, we cannot hide our Hyde completely. 

The more time we give for our lusts, urges, whims, passions, jealousies, and anger the more power those aspects gain. Eventually they will win. We may think we can live the best of both worlds and that will make us happy. Dr Jekyll thought it would make him happy but in the end he described his life as the bitterness of hell. I don't think it would be any different for you or me.

Can we live two lives? Can we cheat on our spouses in the dark and not be affected? Can we sneak down hidden alleys for a quick high or buzz and not have consequences? Can we watch pornography and not have it effect our relationships? Can we say we are going for a run but secretly just stroll over to Mcdonalds without it affecting our health? No we can't.

Dr. Jekyll was able to physically separate his good and bad actions and he couldn't escape from the consequences. All of our thoughts and actions have some form of effect on us whether they are disguised or not. The more we give into our darker sides, the more power we give to our darker side to become the prevailing force in our life. So don't give into your Hyde and please don't ever join the dark side like Anakin Skywalker. It will only lead to suffering. 

Testimony

At this time I would wish to express an aspect of my life that I have long feared would lose the respect of my parents, family, and many of my friends. This is something I have wrestled with and have slowly come to grips with over the last several years. I will keep this brief so let's get to it.

I do not know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the one and only true church on the earth that enables mankind to return to God. I do not know that Jesus Christ is my Savior and Redeemer.

There. I said it.

I could list many more details about specific areas of my testimony or lack thereof, but it is easier to just say that I do not know many things. However, just because I do not know these things doesn't mean I know the opposite of them to be true.

So what do I know or believe?

I do believe and hope in a God that knows me and loves me. I believe that God wants above all things for me and for everyone else to be happy. If that is God's will for me, then my will is aligned with His. Like all other human beings, I struggle and fall short in this pursuit of happiness.

I believe happiness depends upon me to first discover what truly makes me happy and then following that path. Like the LDS church, I have found and strongly believe that adhering to the following values will increase my happiness.

• Following the law of chastity, specifically abstaining from sex before a committed marriage and avoiding activities such as masturbation and pornography.
• Abstaining from strong and addictive substances such as alcohol, drugs, and etc.
• Frequently taking time to meditate, reflect, and connect with God.
• Giving selfless service.
• Loving all mankind regardless of opinion, actions, culture, gender, economic status, and etc. (Matthew 22:39)
• Living within my means and staying out of debt.
• Being honest.
• Being actively grateful.
• Delaying gratification.
• Taking care of my body including eating healthy and regularly exercising. 

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has been wonderful in helping me learn about God, living a value driven life, and helping me to become a better person. Because of this, I plan to continue participating in many functions of the church because I know how it can be a force for good in my life.

My testimony has gone through many changes throughout my life and I would be naive to think that it will not go through any more changes as I progress through this life. Even if my testimony is constantly in flux, which I am okay with, I will always try to strive for truth and happiness (hence the name of my blog).

Delayed Gratification

Lately one of my most important questions I ask myself is "Will this make me happy or not?"

There is a quote often displayed that says something to the effect of "Don't sacrifice what you want most (mine is happiness) for what you want most in the moment." Recently I have grown to appreciate how true and profound this statement is.

One of the keys to happiness is continual self improvement. Self-improvement requires us to make the choice to self-improve and this choice is one that often derives down to the choice of delaying gratification. Do I want to be entertained now or do I want to be happy later? Those who are able to choose the latter seem to be typically more successful, educated, respected, and have higher self-esteem. More importantly they typically are happier.

What makes self-improvement hard is that it is often not immediately gratifying. Currently I am studying for the GMAT so I can go to grad school. This is one of the ways in which I am trying to self-improve. However, I often find it hard to study because studying isn't all that immediately gratifying. It's not all that fun. What is immediately gratifying is checking Facebook, texting someone, playing a game on my phone, taking a quiz to find out which character from Lord of the Rings I am, watching a funny Youtube video, turning on Sportscenter, taking a nap, and the list goes on. I am sure you could add many other activities of your own to this list. While these activities are fun and are entertaining they don't actually make anyone happy, at least not for sustained periods of time. While these activities are not inherently bad, they can be abused. Some of these activities are even good but that doesn't mean they are the best activities to be doing.

On the extreme end of the spectrum of immediate gratification we have drugs, alcohol, pornography, and giving in to strong negative emotions like greed, lust, envy, anger, wrath, and pride. See the 7 deadly sins. These acts have immediate and strongly powerful gratifying and pleasureable effects but can you think of how any of these activities helped someone grow and progress in the long run? These activities also have an addictive power which makes these activities consuming and can degrade one's life. 

The best activities are often the ones that require work and don't necessarily provide immediate noticeable gratification to ourselves. These activities include but are not limited to exercising, eating healthy, studying, meditating, practicing emotional awareness, giving service, going to work, cleaning, thinking critically, and even for me writing this blogpost.

So what makes these harder and less immediately gratifying activities give greater sustained happiness? To be honest I am not sure but I think there is something to be said about the pride one can derive from self-control, which these harder activities require. I know there are more and better reasons but I will have to flesh those out with time.

I finished this blogpost, which wasn't easy. It feels good.

Emotional Intelligence in Relationships

If you can't be happy with yourself, why do you think you would be happy with someone else?

This is a question/statement I have been mulling over lately. As I have gone through a few relationships I have enjoyed the highs and endured the lows. It's been a volatile emotional roller coaster. How is it that my emotional well being has been so directly correlated and connected with the status of my romantic relationships? Is that even healthy? The lows have have often made me desirous to be married so my relationship status will be cemented in place. Have I been naive to think that being married or in a relationship will therefore make me happy?

I believe that happiness in life is something I decide. Even if I remain single for the rest of my life or get rejected many times, that shouldn't be something that negatively determines my sense of worth and happiness. A relationship with someone else should only serve to enhance my happiness, not make or break it.

Of course our relationships with our families, co-workers, friends, and our significant others are going to affect our moods, dispositions, and our happiness. I don't think there is any escaping that, but it is one thing to be affected by these relationships and another to be dependent on them. A relationship doesn't have to be something that completes you or makes you whole. Why can't you be that by yourself? A relationship adds onto or enhances oneself.

Recently I became informed of a term called emotional intelligence. The general idea behind emotional intelligence is to be cognizant of ones and others emotions and to be able to effectively manage those emotions. This doesn't mean that we block out strong emotion. I think strong emotions are something that need to be embraced and fully experienced. If we don't experience these emotions, especially the negative ones, we will struggle to fully experience the positive ones. However, one needs to be aware of these emotions and how they affect one's life so as to be able to harness them in a positive direction. Emotional intelligence, I believe, will help one as they wade through the emotional struggles often found in romantic relationships.

A girl with whom I recently conversed with spoke of a previous relationship in which the guy was often depressed and unhappy. One day she asked him what made him happy and the only response he could give her was her. If you think her reaction was, "oh that is so sweet that I mean so much to him" you are severely mistaken. Knowing that you are the sole owner of another person's happiness is a lot of pressure, which eventually pushed her away.

So if you're approaching a relationship looking for someone who will make you happy and help take you out of your slump, then maybe you're not ready for a quality relationship. Once you are happy with yourself and would like to add onto the happiness of someone else's life, in turn adding onto your own life, then you're at a better starting place for a quality and happy relationship.

My brother remarked to me that he doesn't need his wife but he chooses to be with her. That may sound a bit harsh or unromantic, but knowing that the person I love has a wonderful and happy life by herself and yet chooses to spend her time, energy, and resources with me because it yields both her and I greater happiness is a wonderful thought.

So I pose the question again, "If you can't be happy with yourself, why do you think you would be happy with someone else?"

Belief vs Knowledge

In a talk recently given by Elder Holland, he talked about the importance of belief.  Thank heavens. The reason why I rejoice is because I personally have a hard time with the phrase "I know." I have my personal doubts and areas where I lack knowledge and experience. Absolutes like "I know" scare and seem too final. Plus if I truly knew, wouldn't I be at risk of the sin against the H.G.?

I have always felt the pressure to "know". It's dogmatic in our culture.  As a missionary, I was taught to say "I know", not "I believe".  To take our testimonies to the maximum seems to be the expected norm. I was curious about this "norm" and decided to take some data on it. During fast and testimony meetings I kept a tally of certain phrases that were used. For example, I monitored how often someone would say "I know Joseph Smith was a prophet" or some similar variation. I kept track of the "I know", "I'm grateful", "I bear testimony", and "I believe". I also kept track of the topics such as Jesus Christ, the Atonement, the Book of Mormon, prophets, prayer, and etc.

I did this at least 10+ times over the course of a few years and came out with a few insights. For one, I noticed that YSA wards tended to express more gratitude than older family wards. Mostly though, I noticed the lack of the use of "I believe." In all of those testimony meetings, I probably heard the phrase I believe less than 5 times. Half of them were by my roommate who knew what I was doing and used them just to skew the numbers. The use of "I know" and "I testify" was roughly even in use, garnishing around 15 uses a piece each meeting.

This long observation solidified that there is a cultural tendency to use "I know" instead of "I believe." For many, this is not a big deal and the difference between the two words is moot and irrelevant. For me, I prefer the term believe because it implies hope, faith, and a bit of uncertainty. It's vibrant in its color of meaning and emotion. While the word KNOW is powerful, immovable, and certain; which doesn't convey my actual feelings. I don't think it conveys most people's actual testimony.

Due to this cultural norm I have long felt less spiritual or that I had less of a testimony because I didn't feel comfortable using the phrase "I know" whilst everyone around me did. It always struck me as ironic when the declaration of belief was never used and yet we would sing "I believe in Christ" at the end of the meeting.

Self-control and reasons to obey

The other week I was sitting in a church meeting as we were discussing some commandments and why we obey them. The question was asked on how to stay in line with the commandments and why we are obedient. Many different answers were given and each answer has some value and use to each participant. As I listened, I started to think about how I live my life in accordance with the commandments and why I do. I don't expect my answer to work for everyone else since everyone has their own preferences, strengths, and etc.

I idealize that every one of my decisions is going to based on the grand premise of what will make me happiest. Through my experiences I have found that deviating from the commandments may provide some immediate gratification but it does not necessarily yield greater happiness. When I do stray, I feel a sense of guilt and remorse. For many people that should be enough to stop the behavior, but yet for others it isn't always enough. Feelings are temporary and are easily forgotten. What our brain processes is typically the now. In the moment of temptation the immediate natural response is to take the instant pleasure, which  can be all too enticing. See this following video clip.

I eventually decided to look at these temptations with God out of the equation and look at it completely from a temporal perspective. For examples sake, I will look specifically at chastity. In my relationships with girls I have learned that while passionate kissing is fun it is also addicting. Strong feelings emerge from these actions and cloud my judgment. What if I just had sex and got that sexual tension out of the way? What harm would it do? Well would that have made my relationship better and allowed me to also focus on the more important aspects of the relationship such as mutual respect, communication, and common ideas? I honestly don't know but I don't believe it will. More than sex I want a strong fulfilling relationship. Incorporating sexual behavior seems to detract from other more important aspects of the relationship, especially in the spring of the relationship.  I also believe that limiting one's sexual encounters to just one person will help increase mutual respect, desire, and love between a couple. You may disagree, but for me I believe this to be true.

Also I find great satisfaction in having self control. This past year I have taken up running more and as many know, running isn't very easy. Every time I go I always want to stop because walking is a lot more pleasant than running. It's a mental game for me but so many times I just keep going and push through those endless minutes when I want to stop. This has taught me that I can do hard things. The increased health not only makes me feel good but I feel a great deal of satisfaction of knowing I ran those few miles and I didn't quit. Remaining sexually pure is also a matter of self-control. It's about saying no to the moment.

We all have our moments of weakness though, and for some saying no to ending a run short is harder than others just as saying no to an advancing mate is harder than others. If we do give in, it's not the end of the world. There is always the chance to be better. If you do give in, you shouldn't feel bad because feeling bad doesn't motivate us to change. What really motivates us to change is to imagine the good that will come with that change. You have to disconnect yourself from the now and view these decisions on a broader scale.

I choose to remain sexually pure not necessarily because God commanded it, but because I have found that it yields greater happiness and as I believe/hope yields for higher quality relationships in the future. It just so happens that this lifestyle is also in line with what I believe to be God's commandments. I no longer view it as an obligatory commandment I must obey because some supreme Diety says it's bad, but I view it as a path to joy.

As I prefaced, this is what seems to work for me but everyone is different and I encourage you to find what works for you.

Rich Food Inequality

I could not take another bite. It was disgustingly delicious. The table in front of me was filled with hot fudge, eclairs, dark chocolate mint brownies, and etc. All of them were housed in silver dishes, silk doilies, and hand-carved tables. This food was way too rich and it made me want to puke. I left the event and took a stroll to clear my mind and stomach. I soon found myself in a local food market. I found food, real food. I found food of the highest quality but yet it sat there hapless in dirty old broken wooden crates. I looked around and saw the potatoes in a cheaply made plastic sack digging grooves into their skin. The tortillas were tightly squeezed into a mishapen thin plastic bag. It was savagery

How could this huge disparity between rich and bland foods exist? The bland food was of no less value nutritionally but yet was subjected to such poor conditions and negative stereotypes as to taste and richness. How could I stand idly by as these foods lived at the bottom of the food chain with little to no opportunities to become rich. Is it the potatoes fault it was grown bland? Something had to be done to right this wrong.

The rich foods need to impart of their richness to the poor foods. The FDA needs to step in the create a more equal food society. Actual changes don't seem to be feasible in the near future but you can join me by boycotting the chocolate chip cookie doughs of the world. Those greedy, selfish, capitalist pigs have had their reign long enough. So join now and don't give room in your stomach for rich foods.

Obviously this is a parody on wealth inequality in our society today. This parody is only to have a little fun with some of the rhetoric being used in this argument. Unlike this parody, wealth inequality is a complex and multifaceted issue that does need serious address. That address is too daunting for me right now so I'll suffice with this. 

Ragnar: I can do hard things

The past two days I participated in an event called Ragnar. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a 198 relay race from Logan, UT to Park City, UT. I was on a 12 man team where we each take 3 turns running. I ran about 21 of those 198 miles.

I have never been much of an avid runner in my life and this was basically my first big event running. In fact the farthest I had ever run at once was 7 miles and two of my legs were longer than that. So suffice it to say, it wasn't easy. It was one of the more physically and mentally difficult things I've done in my life but yet it's one of the most memorable and exciting things I've done.

On my team of 12, I only knew one other person who was my coworker. He was the one who invited me to the team. It took some persuasion by him to get me to join and eventually I conceded, partly due to the fact that there would be 2 single girls my age in my group. I got to know the people in my group decently well in the space of 48 hours and shared good moments with them. I've slapped their calves, seen them without makeup, seen them groggily wake up at 2:30 in the morning and go running 5 miles immediately thereafter, and shared some laughs. I was surrounded by 17,000 other people going through the same difficult thing. It was kind of exhilarating. Everyone was friendly and courteous and I never once saw someone be mad or frown. Yes, I saw a lot of pain on peoples faces as they struggled up their run but yet everyone enjoyed it (at least from my view) It's interesting how something obviously difficult can be such a catalyst for the positive. Relationships improved and friendships were made. Random strangers would give words of encouragement. When someone kills you (passes you) or you're killing someone, people say "good job" and "keep it up". Everyone is going through the same experience and building each other up for a collective cause...to accomplish something difficult. Yes, some people are in it to win it but most are there to just complete the course as best and as fast as they can, whether they "win" or not. It's like an instant community forms overnight all working to achieve a common goal.

As I think back on the experiences I am most fond and proud of it's not the ones where I am getting a massage or lying on a beach, it's the ones where I am exhausted from hiking and rapelling down miles of a slot canyon with my friends on a scout camp, when I get a high score on a test that I studied really hard for, when I reach the top of a mountain, and when I run 5 miles in the middle of the night and have my team slap my calf at the end of it. It's that realization that you can do hard things that brings that sense of accomplishment in life. It's in the midst of your most difficult hour that happiness can be found. It brings painful but yet more powerfully positive memories. Experiences like those have powerful impacts in building relationships and improving morale.

Just like in life sometimes the hardest parts are the most rewarding. I wouldn't have done Ragnar if my coworker hadn't convinced in devious ways to do it. Frankly the thought of paying more than a $100 to run lots of miles at ridiculous hours does not quite sound appealing. But now that I've done it, I want to do it again and do more similar adventures. I've spent a lot of my life preventing myself from accomplishing great goals simply because it sounded hard and I doubted whether I could do it. I've ended up missing out on so much. Due to fear and laziness I have limited myself not only to running races but also to happiness. When we don't push ourselves to accomplish something hard or that we're afraid of, (whether it be going to college, asking someone on a date, running a marathon, forgiving a relative, and etc) we limit our happiness.

So take sometime to think of the things you've always wanted to do but yet haven't done just because it seemed too hard. You won't regret it.